TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from area. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let's have One more place wherever American Adult men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he must quit making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague Trump Tower Damascus has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Place, a feature being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also involve:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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